**Trigger warning, this post refers to birth trauma and suicidal thoughts**
My pregnancy wasn’t totally smooth sailing and I suffered from nausea every day from month 3 to month 7 and had constant bleeds which resulted in being admitted to hospital overnight, each time.
I was booked in to be induced due to the many bleeds I had, but my waters broke 2 weeks early and my baby was born on the 14th November 2019. I had an epidural, so the birth was painless and calm. She was beautiful and had so much hair! They put her in my arms and I simply couldn’t believe that after years of trying, I finally had my baby girl in my arms. A few minutes after I first held her, they took her off to be weighed and I needed to be stitched up.
While they were stitching me up, I started vomiting heavily for a few minutes. It eventually stopped and I coughed, and the midwife advised me that I had started to bleed. Pretty normal stuff after giving birth I assumed. A few minutes later the bleeding hadn’t stopped. I turned to look at my husband who gave me a reassuring smile but I could tell he looked worried. The midwife looked concerned so called in her senior, who pressed the emergency button immediately. Approximately 6 doctors rushed in discussing and arguing and poking me with needles. I was scared and didn’t know what was going on. I looked at my husband who looked very concerned. They rushed me to theatre leaving my husband literally holding the baby and looking very scared.
I was told I suffered a major haemorrhage, and I lost nearly 3 litres of blood ( the human body carried 5 litres). The midwife had later told me that I was lucky to still be here. I stayed in the hospital for a week after that with my husband as he had to do all the feeds and nappy changes whilst I recovered. I still hadn’t held my baby or even kissed her. I was desperate to get home and the first time we walked into our house with our baby I felt relieved and happy and thought the nightmare was behind me.
I was told by all my friends with children, that I would feel amazing and happy and this would be the best moment of my life. A few days went by and I couldn’t do anything for her as I was so weak still. A few weeks went by and I felt nothing towards her. Where was the immediate love and bond that everyone told me I was going to feeI? I didn’t want to hold her as I was too scared as I didn’t know what I was doing. A month went by and I felt the same. I cried every day. I was nervous and scared around the baby.
During the night feeds I felt so alone and scared as I didn’t know what I was doing and the lack of sleep was slowing my recovery. I had lost all my breast milk due to amount I bled after the birth so was bottle feeding but was being told constantly how breast feeding was the best and I needed to try and pump but I didn’t even want to get out of bed let alone pump milk. I often wondered if it would have been better for my baby if I hadn’t survived that day at the hospital and then I immediately felt guilt for thinking those thoughts. I was clearly and awful mother. I wondered everyday why I didn’t feel love or a bond and where my maternal instincts were? I wondered why all my friends who were new mothers were recovered and doing so well and had lots of happy social media pictures of their new baby and kept asking me how amazing I must feel?!
But I wasn’t in love or happy, I was in agony, both physically and mentally. I had 2nd degree tears from the birth and then the subsequent treatment in theatre. My arms were bruised from all the needle holes where they had tried to find a vein in theatre for a cannula but my veins had collapsed due to the blood loss so they couldn’t find one.
I had my husband, family and friends showing me endless support as they just thought I was exhausted as I hadn’t expressed how I felt. Despite all their support I felt so alone and lonely. I cried constantly everyday. After 6 weeks I eventually asked one of the midwives for help and they arranged for home visits from various departments and therapy sessions with trained hospital staff. The level of support the NHS showed me was exceptional.
The experience showed me that post-natal depression is normal and lots of women experience it. That the dark thoughts I felt were normal and having a baby, whilst being amazing, is also one of the scariest and hardest thing a woman goes through and not being too hard on yourself is really important for the emotional and mental side of things. I wish that the subject was discussed pre-birth, so that more women ask for help sooner and are reassured that any sad or low feelings they have don’t make them a bad mother and that the hormones, any pain relief methods and certainly any trauma they might experience, could all contribute to post-natal depression.
That its ok not to feel sunshine and rainbows towards your baby and sometimes the love grows over time and that is ok.
Article by: Priya Donaldson